Real Parents

By Steven William Freiman

When a couple adopts a child, many questions are asked about the child. Questions like where is the child from? How long did it take to adopt? Why did you choose adoption? How much did it cost? What agency did you use? What is the child’s story? Where is the child from? But the Number One question that is always asked of adoptive parents is, “Who are or where are the child’s real parents?”

I know from personal experience that the Number One question is always asked by people that are genuinely concerned about the adoptive child and the family the child now lives with. The question is asked out of ignorance of the adoptive process and I know it is not meant to hurt the Adoptive Parents. But the fact of the matter is the question of who are the real parents when asked can cause deep pain for the Adoptive Parents. The impression is given that the Adoptive Parents are not the parents of the child. I am sure the persons asking this question do not want to leave that impression, but nonetheless it often is the impression an Adoptive Parent is left with.

It really is just a matter of terminology. An adoptive child actually has two sets of parents. There are the Birth Parents – the couple involved in the physical act of conceiving the child and delivering the child into the world. Then there are the Adoptive Parents – the parents that raise the child from when the child was separated from the Birth Parents to adulthood and beyond.

As stated above, Birth Parents conceive and deliver the child into the world. In both domestic and foreign adoptions, a situation arises where the Birth Parents can no longer raise the child. At this point the child is removed from the Birth Parents either voluntarily or by the order of the prevailing legal system. In domestic situations, most children end up in the state run foster care system, as orphanages are limited. In foreign situations, most children end up in state run orphanages. Arguments are constantly being made on which system is superior. Either biological family members or friends of the Birth Parents take in small minorities of children. For most adoptive children, they never see the Birth Parents again. A very small number do search for Birth Parents as adults.

Since the Birth Parents are unable or unwilling to raise the child, the role of parenting now is entrusted to the Adoptive Parents. Adoptive Parents feed the child. Adoptive Parents clothe the child. Adoptive Parents send the child to school. Adoptive Parents put the child in extracurricular activities. Adoptive Parents meet needs such as obtaining glasses, dental braces, and other health care for the child. Adoptive Parents teach the child how to dress. Adoptive Parents teach the child how to interact with others. Adoptive Parents teach the child how to drive. Adoptive Parents send the child to summer camps. Adoptive Parents send the child to college. Adoptive Parents love and nurture the child. Adoptive Parents pray for the child. Adoptive Parents take the child to church. Adoptive Parents even argue with the child. Adoptive Parents sacrifice for the child. Adoptive Parents will advocate for the child. Adoptive Parents become grandparents to the child’s children. Adoptive Parents fulfill all the functions of every parent currently raising their own biological children.

Unlike Birth Parents, Adoptive Parents have a lot to prove before a child is given into their custody to parent. Adoptive Parents must prove to the local social services that they are competent. Adoptive Parents must prove financial stability. Adoptive Parents must have a criminal background check complete with fingerprints. Adoptive Parents may need State and Federal approval to adopt. Adoptive Parents adopting from foreign countries must prove the same items to the child’s birth country and submit a lengthy dossier. Adoptive Parents must take counseling before they can adopt. Most Adoptive Parents wait over 12 months to receive their child. Adoptive Parents spend thousands of dollars for the adoption process and have to seek aid from many different sources. Adoptive Parents must appear in court and submit to medical examinations.

Now the question I have to ask is, “Are Adoptive Parents real parents?” I can assure you that Adoptive Parents are the child’s real parents. An expression I have often heard from persons working in the social services field is, “Just because you can breed doesn’t make you a parent.” It is a crude expression but a true one nonetheless. When you start to explore the world of adoption, whether domestically or foreign options, you will be shocked by the vast number of children that have been thrown away. If you grew up with your Birth Parents or are currently being raised by them, you have a forever family. More Adoptive Parents are needed all over the world to provide the parentless children with a forever family.

My wife and I are Adoptive Parents. We are real parents. We go through the same struggles raising our daughter as other real parents. Due to our adoption process being foreign, we have the privilege of having even some extra challenges in raising our daughter.

When you encounter a family that has adopted a child and you really want to know who the child’s real parents are, you can be sure they are standing right in front of you. Like other parents in this world, you can be sure that Adoptive Parents love their children just as much as you love yours, maybe more.

By Steven William Freiman, 47, contact: swf75024@yahoo.com

Copyright@2008 Steven William Freiman