My time with Joey

                          A Memoir by Devon Colston

I held him tightly as we sped through the leaf covered woods, swerving in and out of trees. Bundled in our sweat shirts, we bounded up and down the hills as the cold wind blew though our hair. His hands were swiftly pulling the clutch to change gears on the 4 wheeler as we gained more speed. I trusted him with my whole life. He was so concentrated on the road, but would always take a second to make frequent glances at me. As we came to a stop, I hopped off to watch him show off with his tricks and jumps. He was so handsome and dangerous, secretive and passionate. I remember standing there, smiling, remembering how we came to be together at a time in my life, I never would have expected.

Months before, I was overcome with grief. Pending an upcoming divorce and custody battle, my dreams of love, loyalty and trust were completely shattered. Betrayal penetrated my heart like a dagger. I was alone, suffering an emotional darkness. As if contagious, friends and family deserted me. I hated everyone. Depression devoured me. Disturbing thoughts of revenge and evil deeds raged within me against my estranged husband and that filthy tramp. No more dreams of a perfect family. No more perfect mother, which I desperately tried to be. I felt like a failure. I felt guilty when I looked at my girls. I had come to the conclusion that my girls lives would be better off without me spreading my hatred and sadness like an airborne virus. Suicide was only one slice away. But, one person intervened. A comfortable friend who stood by my side through years of my plain utter existence thus our unexpected love affair blossomed.

 

I first saw Joey through a mist covered window in the passenger side of his sister’s Ford LTD. Melissa, Joey’s sister, was my best friend and she was taking me to and from school since I had wrecked my car. Joey was dressed in yellow baseball cap and baggy t-shirt and jeans. He lay with his head on the window clutching his book bag. To this day, I can picture him so vividly. He gave me nothing more than a brief glance and mumbled a “Hey” with his “I hate the world” attitude. I assumed he was the average, stuck up, teenage tough guy and at that time I never gave it a second thought. Melissa and I were always together so I saw very much of Joey. During, sleepovers, parties, family gatherings with Melissa, he always teased us and barged in on us as we did our hair and makeup. He would walk into her room when we were engaging in gossip or having important private talks. Joey and I had a love hate relationship. We often teased and argued with each other. Every one, including his sister, told me he had a crush on me. Though flattered, I never paid much attention to that because I didn’t see it.

Along the way, Joey and I developed a friendship. We had some mutual friends together. He would occasionally come to hang out at my house. But, again, he never seemed more than Melissa’s little brother.

 

In June of 1999, I was married. I was very much in love with Bob and he was a military man so we had to travel a lot. That concept was awesome to me since I couldn’t wait to get away from my parents. By December 2000, Bob and I had moved to Colorado and we had our first daughter, Natalie. I missed my friends and family, but visited often so it wasn't too bad. Plus, I enjoyed having my own home. But eventually, the loneliness began to take its toll. As a new mother I needed some support. Bob was gone all the time, so, I decided to move back home for some help. Upon the birth of my second daughter Nina, I discovered my marriage was ending. Some nobody managed to steal away all my hopes and plans along with my husband. I was overcome with depression. For months I was incapable to rise from bed let alone care for my children. I didn’t work or join in anything my friends did. I was a total recluse. I existed in a world of dismal despair. Some friends would try to visit frequently. But, surprisingly, Joey was the one who visited most. Whether because he wanted to help me or he simply had nothing better to do, I do not know nor do I care. We began to have an even deeper, more powerful friendship. It was uncanny because I never thought he even cared about me that much. He never seemed to think of anyone but himself. One night I really noticed a difference was a night when he left early from a party he was attending to come see me so I wouldn’t have to be alone. I didn’t even ask or hint that I wanted him to do that and I was both shocked and appreciative that he did. It was than I noticed something more in a sense that there was a stronger feeling blooming between us.

 

I accepted that I developed strong feelings for him the day of a surprise birthday party thrown in his honor. I remember taking extra time to prepare for that day. My hair and makeup had to be perfect before I left for his parent’s house. When the time came for the surprise, unaware of anything, he came into the house. His “distraction” friend giggling behind him. A roar of surprises erupted. Joey was taken back. As he scanned the room, a feeling overwhelmed me that he was looking for me. Our eyes met, he smiled at me and walked over. He hugged me and we felt a jolt run through us. Neither of us spoke about that at the time. We talked briefly, he told me he was really surprised and thanked me for coming. As he walked away to greet his guests, his eyes still lingered on me. The party was very enjoyable. I remember once as I engaged in gossip with some girlfriends, I caught him staring at me as he played horse shoes with some of his friends. As I danced and acted silly trying to forget my own worries, he would playfully laugh at me. But mostly, I have that loving gaze embedded in brain. That look he always gave me as if I was the only person that ever would matter to him.

Dreadfully, the time came that I had to go home. I said my goodbyes and my heart stood in my throat as I shut the door behind me. A few hours later, Joey came to my house. We spent that summer night, talking, telling stories and laughing as we smoked cigarettes on my back porch. I remember him sitting very close to me. I would casually brush against him. He would non chalantly drape his arm around me and I would drape my leg over his. It made my stomach tingle with excitement. I was driving him crazy (in a good way) and he did exactly what I wanted him to do. When he left that night I watched him through my window, walk to his car and drive away.

 

I left for a vacation to North Carolina the next day. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I would sit on the balcony of the beach house, holding my phone, debating whether or not to call him. One afternoon, I did call him, determined to confess my feelings. I dialed the number but quickly hung up. Not soon enough. He called back asking what was up. I lied and told him I must have accidentally bumped a button. He knew I was fibbing but he did not question me. I think he was trying to come up with a reason to call me too. We talked several times a day the rest of my vacation. Upon returning home, our relationship became even more intense. We talked many times a day, everyday. He came to my house every night and we would watch movies, listen to the radio and talk. Sometimes, I would playfully sit on his lap; facing him knowing my shirt was cut very low, knowing her would secretly glance at my chest. I loved to make him want me. I would pretend to be cold just so he would wrap him arms around me.

One weekend, we took a trip to his parents shore house in Wildwood, NJ. We stayed up all night just talking. We laid next to each other on an over stuffed futon and hadn’t even realized the time flying until the sun rose the next day. We walked the boardwalk the next night and I loved seeing him give dirty looks to the guys that checked me out. That was a very fun weekend.

Finally, late one summer night in my back yard, I told him my feelings. He told me he has loved me since he first laid eyes on me that day in Melissa’s car so many years before. I asked why he never told me and he said he never thought that would have been appropriate. He said no matter what he will always love me and he will never leave my life. I figured those were simply the words of an inexperienced, infatuated man and since I had heard it so many times before, I simply told him to prove it.       

Fall came and I can still remember the rustle of his windbreaker each night as he approached my house. I loved that jacket. I loved the smell of his cologne mixed with fabric softener each time we embraced. It was the most wonderful smell. Each time he spoke to me he would stare at me with those blue eyes and his deep commanding voice reassuring me all my pain would go away. He told me to let him take care of me. To let go and trust him. I remember our long awaited first kiss. It was so demanding, aggressive and passionate. I remember how wonderful it was when our lips met. I’m swept back to the many phone conversations that lead to romantic nights and not so responsible acts. I remember the time we sat at a bar and he just held me from behind whispering how much he desired me and would wait forever for me. At bedtime, he would call from my driveway to make sure I was safe in bed. His last words every night were I love you and I’ll see you in our dreams. 

Sadly, I also am tormented by the pain I caused him. I remember my bad nights full of depression and tears, he would lie awake all night rubbing my back and whispering sweet words of encouragement I so desperately needed to hear. At times, I was so mentally screwed up, he would put his job in jeopardy just to stay home and take care of my kids because I couldn’t get out of bed after a night of hysterical sobbing over my failed marriage. He waited for me during 2 failed attempts at reconciliation with my ex. Many times, confused by my pain, I felt confined by him; I would scream at him to leave me alone and when he wouldn’t I would call him horrible names, embarrass and humiliate him. I would hit him and destroy his things when I felt smothered by him. During my rages, though he stuck up for himself and yelled back at me, he would stand there, wounded and disgraced and yet still refused to leave my side. I would put unrealistic demands on him as if I was a queen and he was indebted to me. He turned away from his family and friends just to spend all of his time with me. It eventually became too much for him because he began to stand his ground. One day, in one of my psychotic states, I destroyed the front console of his car with my rage strength and smashed his car windows, all because he said something I didn’t like. I was a raving lunatic. That day, he cursed me, screamed at me, broke some things on my car, humiliated me and called the police. I remember the pain and hatred I felt for him that day as he turned and walked from me. I remember thinking, "How dare he betray me? He walked away from me just as I expected, I deserve better them him. Deceiver!”  Of course I was just fooling myself. The next day, as I stared blankly out a window in a mental health unit trying to understand the craziness that consumed me, he walked in. My Joey, my savior, came to me after all I had done to him. It was as if he knew I needed him and here he was standing before me, with a smile, sticking by his words to never leave me.

Everyone changes and Joey’s no exception. Towards the end of our relationship, I no longer saw the intense looks of passion and obsession in his eyes. It made me very sad when he chose to spend time with his friends and family over me. At times, he would even try to avoid me so he didn’t have to deal with my moods. He was stubborn and when he made mistakes it was hard for him to say sorry.

I mourn over our years of heated romance and uncontrollable desire. I miss the random compliments from him. Back then he always told how beautiful I was regardless of my ugly behavior.

I know wherever he is today he still loves me. Maybe not in love but none the less, I am still very important to him. Maybe that is what he was trying to teach me all those years ago. To be a stable, normal and fully independent human being. He has dealt with all my different moods and insanity; I will stand by his side to the end. I will always remember he was the one who walked with me through the 7^th circle of hell. He was the man who dried my many tears. The adoration I have for him is above all others. He changed me; He made me who I am today. I thank Joey for his divinity. It has set him apart from every other rotten man on earth.

As you may have guessed, we have gone our separate ways and I still yearn for him. I miss him. I grieve for that man. I feel hurt that he has left and sometimes I say to myself “I knew it. I knew he would leave me.” And I get very angry. I feel so betrayed. “Why did he leave me? The one person I permitted myself to trust. How I wish things could have happened differently.” How I wish he had kept his word.

 Still, I go on loving and honoring him. I love what he had done for my family and for me. I cherish the time we shared together and I am privileged to have known him. God, do I miss him terribly. Sometimes I get a whiff of certain cologne or hear a distant rustle of a windbreaker and it reminds me that no one has ever loved like we loved.

As I lay here reminiscing about that turning point in my life, I close my eyes for the night. I see a vision of him standing before me with his windblown hair, chapped face and teary eyes and he smiles at me with such admiration and love like he did when we stood in the woods together that autumn day so many years ago. Maybe one day, he’ll look at me like that again.

                        Devon Colston, age 28, contact: dcolston@comcast.net

                                    Copyright 2007 Devon Colston

     Reviews and comments requested.
     Posted 11/22/2008