Relationships

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Non-Fiction

Relationships

Non-Fiction by Kristin M. Sowinski

Relationships. I have come a long way from when I first created an idea in my head on what that word meant, particularly what it meant to me. The first time I can remember “liking” a boy was in the second grade, Brock Smith I believe was his name. Of course, I was too shy to actually talk to him, but I watched him a lot. Not sure of exactly what I felt about the whole situation, but knowing that I wish I could talk to him. He eventually moved away the next year and I remember my first feeling of loss in the “relationship” department.

There were several boys in junior high that I had “crushes” on. My friends and I would talk about who we thought was cute, if we could date anyone – who would it be, things like that. My closest friend had experiences with boys’ way before me, and I remember feeling so out of place. Why hadn’t I had anything like that? Why did I have no experiences to talk about yet? It added to my self-esteem issues and made me feel even more like an outcast. That probably was the main contributor to me making up stories to her about the boys I was supposedly “seeing”. To this day I still have not come clean about that, I forget about it until we’re talking some night, drunk, partying, whatever, and something comes up and she remembers these things that I had forgotten about. I feel so ashamed so I don’t tell her the truth, it’s never the right time or place.

My first kiss was when I was thirteen. I’d like to say boy, but wasn’t, this “man” I had a “crush” on for at least a year finally kissed me. I couldn’t tell anyone but my one closest friend. He was twenty years older than me and was also close friends with my family. It was very special to me though, it boosted my self-esteem a lot, at that time I though I must be something special if this man would want to kiss “me”. Later I realized that I was probably just a pawn in his plan to get revenge on my family for an argument that they had that night. At least though I got to enjoy it untainted for a while.

I had my first boyfriend when I was a freshman in high school. It wasn’t a real relationship though; we didn’t kiss or even hold hands. It lasted two weeks, destroyed my friendship with his sister, and ultimately ended when he called me on the phone and dumped me for reasons I can’t even remember now. But for two weeks I felt pretty good about myself, so there’s something to say for that.

My first “real” relationship was the same year, not much later. I started dating a “guy” that I worked with at McDonalds, Travis. I thought he was the greatest thing in the world and I loved him so much. Everything we did together seemed to be so great; our walks, our shooting pool, our making out in my bedroom, our phone calls at night, and I wish I could say the sex was great too but of course it was not. Neither one of us knew what we were doing. I was so nervous every time that there was no way for me to really enjoy it. But I thought I was so “cool” because out of all but one of my friends, I was the first to lose my virginity, so of course everyone wanted details. I played it cool – I enjoyed the attention; I felt that I finally had something to contribute in my friendships. Finally, I knew something that they did not.

That relationship ultimately ended after about four or five months. I ended it because the love of my life finally came around and realized he wanted to be with me. I had asked him “out” prior to me starting to date Travis, but he had declined and I was heartbroken. I obviously moved on but never quite lost that feeling for him. Needless to say when he professed his feelings for me, I was more than just happy. It was the best feeling I have ever had in my entire life to date. Josh and I dated, got engaged, moved in together, got married, and after five years of being together as a coupled, divorced. I learned a lot from that relationship, I regret some of my decisions, but I try to remember that it all happened and ended for a reason.

After Josh, I did a lot of “casual” dating. Dating seems to be such a far-fetched word for what I actually did. Basically, I had a lot of meaningless sex. I had a few actual relationships but all were disasters. Most I had trust issues with, and then cheated on them, until eventually we just went our own ways. I did a lot of partying, met some cool people, and some not so cool people. I have some good memories and some bad memories. Overall, I think it has improved my ability to read people and to know more on whom I can trust and whom I cannot. So to date, I can’t say that I regret that part of my life, but part of me wishes that things were different.

There were two significant relationships in my life in the past couple years. The first was with Jeremy. I was very much in love with him. He ultimately turned out to be the devil, or at best his closest relative. He is a con artist basically. He lives off women, uses them for everything from a place to live, food to eat, money to spend, and of course sex. For the longest time I had a great hatred for him, but I am thankful for two things. The first is that I met Al because of him. Secondly, I met Pang because of him. I dated Al, and became friends with Pang, the second girl Jeremy dated and screwed over after me.

Al unfortunately got to know me at a bad time in my life. Two weeks after I kicked Jeremy out of my life, I met Al. Al said very soon into our relationship that he loved me, and I freaked out. I was so untrusting of men at this point that I was almost heartless, not feeling anything close to caring about men. Al and I dated off and on for about a year. Lots of things were said and done that hurt both of us, and ultimately we decided that the best thing for us was to be friends. And that is where we are at today. I don’t know though if you can call us actual friends because there is a lot of things that still hurt me very much about him and there are a lot of things that he had done and still does that me not trust him.

I have not been with anyone, relationship or sexually, in about four months. I decided it was time to take a break, and get my disarranged life into order. I am still working on that, it’s been a slow process but hopefully going to work out. I talk to a lot of girls and we all seem to have the same frustrations with dating. Typically, the cycle goes: we meet someone, we like them a lot, we don’t want to sleep with them too soon because we know what that leads to, and sometimes the guys run off right away, some times they wait for the sex, and then run off, and other times it takes them a little longer, but they all seem to end the same. We’ve sought advice on the subject and have gotten nowhere.

Supposedly, we are supposed to let guys know right away that we want a relationship, like that’s supposed to get us anywhere! Then we explain the sex thing, we want to wait until it actually means something. Okay, if the guy is worth our time, he’ll agree, and if he takes a hike, then he wasn’t worth our time anyway, we get it. What about the guys who hang around, lead us on, say they care, we sleep with them, and a week later, they’re gone? There’s no planning for this. There’s no way around it. So, do we do like myself, and say forget it, I’m taking a break from this whole scene and partially give up? Or do we keep on trying, letting our hearts get broken over and over?

Some people say don’t date guys you meet in a bar. Others say don’t date guys you work with. For my group of friends, the bar is our main place to go and socialize at. Yes, we may go out for dinner or lunch together here or there, or go out together to celebrate a friends birthday, but that usually involves bar hopping so we’re back to the same part about not dating guys from bars. Most of us have tried the internet thing, that doesn’t work out well most of the time. We don’t go to church, some of us go to school, but usually don’t have the time to get to know anyone there. So where do you go to meet the “right kind” of guys?

I always believed that love finds us when we least expect it. So we should just let it happen and not seek it out. My trouble with this theory is that I’ve seen people who have done that, and they are in their mid-thirties and are still alone. That’s scary. I want to get married and have kids before then. It scares the hell out of me that I may not be able to do that. I heard a line from a movie that stated, “We were the only two people who were afraid at 27 that we would be alone forever”. I laughed at the absurdity because I am only 24 and I already thought about that years ago and I know I am not alone of this belief.

So, what to do? The only thought that brings me comfort right now is that hopefully there is someone out there for me. I like to imagine what they are doing right now in their life that will eventually make our paths cross. I wonder about my day-to-day decisions and how they affect my meeting this person. If I push off going to the grocery store today, will I miss that guy I’m supposed to meet? If I don’t go out to dinner with my friends, will that waiter and I not meet? The possibilities are never ending.

I wish I had all the answers, but of course I don’t. The only thing I can do, is get up in the morning, do what I have to do, and at night, try not to worry about it so much, and concentrate on just being happy for the people I do have in my life. My friends, my family, my co-workers, and hey, you never know, maybe that cashier at the gas station.

Kristin M. Sowinski, age 24, contact: k_m_sowinski@yahoo.com

Reviews and comments requested
Posted 04/20/2004