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Book Excerpts | Exercise and Activity in the Hands of an Angry Lazy Fat Man. Non-fiction By Don Canalone
Believe it or not, but with my amazing body, charming good looks, and the most impressive hand cannons that I have here, I do not do much exercise. In fact, I’m so lazy that baby lemmings look up to me. So lazy in fact, I didn’t bother to look up what a lemming was, check the correct spelling, or see how they pertain to this situation. But I am so sick and tired of people making me get up and try to exercise or move around, or get my “own food from the kitchen” It sometimes gets me so mad and frustrated, I feel like a boiling tea pot ready to whistle, but then I get sleepy and take a nap. Sleep to the lazy man is like crack to a crack head, and nobody wants to mess with a crack head. Same applies to a lazy man. You give him his sleep and you back off! But lately people have breaking this rule, and I am not happy. In fact some people might say I am slightly discomforted. If you see a fat, lazy man sleeping, don’t you touch him. Don’t you dare touch him! God bless that fat man, for he and I share the same dream.
I see those commercials for exercise machines and it gets me furious. Do they really think that me watching these people workout on the telly is actually going to get me up to work out? In reality it gets me exhausted and I have a little chat with Mr. Sandman. He’s always there for me, he never judges me, and he understands the need of a fat man. Oh Mr. Sandman, you’re my one true friend. Not too many people know his first name, but he told me! I love you Sammy Sandman! The obvious solution is to of course, kill all those who exercise. All who exercise please send me your name and address. Nah I jest. I would never kill a man. I’m too lazy. But you just better hope and pray Sammy doesn’t do it!
My friends, I have a dream. My dream is to live in a world where the fat lazy man is safe, and the skinny muscular man runs in terror at the fat man’s word. The women love the fat lazy man. “Oh fat lazy man, I am a woman and I love your fat lazy ways. Please accept my woman body. Do as your fat lazy mind pleases.” Well, maybe that wouldn’t work. The real solution is to replace all active athletic men with fat lazy men. There will be no more wars for all soldiers will be too lazy to do battle. World leaders, instead of arguing, will watch cartoons and eat chips together. I wanna see a sunset with bluebirds in the air and flowers flowing through the wind all through my television set. Yeah, I’ve been writing long enough, and activity for more than five minutes is not recommended. You might think my lifestyle might lead to health problems, but we all gotta go sometime. Now if you excuse me, its time for me to lay down. My friend Sammy is hollering at me and I’m not one to keep him waiting. Thank you.
Don Canalone age:18,
contact: DonCanalone@aol.com Copyright
2004 Don Canalone Reviews and comments requested.
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