How to Write an Essay in Less Than an Hour

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Non-Fiction

How to Write an Essay in Less Than an Hour
Non-Fiction By Laura Buti
The first step to a mediocre grade on a homework assignment is procrastination, an art that I, above all other students, have mastered. Since no self-respecting student wants to be dubbed "Teacher's Pet", "Nerd" or be known as a perfectionist, allow me, the professional, to offer some points to avoid these dreaded titles.
The moment a task is assigned, forget about it. This is the most crucial detail in the entire process. Even though a self-reminder that your Process Essay is due in English next Wednesday is written with a green Sharpie across the front page of your notebook, you must resist the urge to consider thinking about the job until, at the most, 48 hours prior to the due date. At this point, your brain may switch into panic-mode, so you ought to try again to divert your attention away from anything involving schoolwork. Movies and sticking Post-Its on vehicles are examples of activities that are quite effective in relieving the stress of a looming project.
The following evening, preferably a Sunday night so that you may pat yourself on the back for successfully blocking out school for the entire weekend, you may open your binder in order to see the list of assignments due the next day. Once you understand the workload you have for the night, you can fiddle around for another hour or two to allow yourself just the right amount of not enough time required to complete the homework. Once you have waited longer than you thought humanly possible (and this skill will develop with practice), return to the spot in front of the TV where your books are stacked neatly and use this simple method to prioritize your assignments: chronologically. And I mean this not in order of when they were assigned, but according to the time of the class in which they are due. Therefore, the work you potentially will not complete before drool begins to soak your papers, will not be handed in for the most extended period of time, allowing for the maximum false hope to build up (for as a student five days a week, nine weeks a quarter, and four quarters a year, you should know that you will not be able to complete the work before the bell rings and that your teacher will not simply fall-asleep in your latter-half-of-the-day class and forget that any homework was assigned).

So once production actually begins, complete any busy work assignments for your first class of the day, then BS any sketchy assignments (reading or writing) so that they appear to be at least partially complete, but be sure to take as many breaks as possible for, say, ice cream or phone calls. If typing up a paper, always have the computer online so when you hear the sound of a door creaking open on your buddy list, you can switch over and chat with anyone important who signs on. Even while doing homework, it is key to remember that Social life never trails Academics.
As a frequent and awe-inspiring procrastinator, let me give a hypothetical example for you to follow in order to reach a champion's level in the sport of procrastination. Imagine yourself on a Tuesday night, after a three-day weekend (no school on Monday) and a full day of school and coffee and track, when a test is scheduled in your early-bird AP Government over the 15 pages of notes you were assigned to take about the 50 pages of Almond's Comparative Politics Today on "Politics in Russia". By about 9:00 in the evening, this task of "learning" should have reached the top of your list of things to do. Your corner-cutting solution? To skim for bold print and numbered lists to jot down no matter how insignificant when it comes to comparative politics (even though you know the test is over these notes, try no harder to save your grade- multiple choice tests are all guesses anyway). Within the two hours that your note-taking will consume (it takes at least that long no matter what), feel free to welcome interruptions, such as calls bearing good news about the State Basketball Tournament Road Trip planned for later in the week providing the opportunity to miss a day or two of school, thus permitting further procrastination of any work that might be due in those classes. Moving on to Anatomy, scribbling flashcards should be sufficient for "studying" the muscles of the upper leg for the other test you successfully did not think about all weekend. Upon completion of these cards (don't bother testing yourself on them, you will not find time to do it before the test but just keep telling yourself that you will), you'll find there is just enough not enough time in the night for your process essay due in English, for which you still have not chosen a topic. The clock should read about 11:30, so set your alarm at this time (for 5:30 since you have early-bird), in case you conk out with pen in hand. So when there is absolutely no productive thought left in your mind, take the advice (or what you got out of Elbow's essay) of an experienced writer when it comes to desperation writing, and go for it. Write and write and write whatever comes to you, and what you end up with, is this.

Laura Buti, age 16, contact: zoezoe14@aol.com
copyright 2003 Laura Buti
review and comments requested
Posted 06/02/2003