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Non-Fiction by Sheila B. Goram
When you were a kid did you ever jump into the deep end of the pool?
Well I did. And I nearly drowned. I didn't know how to
swim. I was six years old and the water looked really pretty and
blue. My aunt took my sister, brother, and myself to the local
community center in Detroit. I remember running out of the
locker room door and my Aunt Michelle calling after me, "Sheila!
Stop! Wait!" After that her calls became muffled because I
was sinking in eight feet of water. The water felt really cool
and right. I didn't know how to swim or float. As I came up and
went back down I remember feeling free. Lucky for me there was a
lifeguard on duty. He saved my life. He jumped in after me
and pulled me out. I remember after he pulled me out he and my
Aunt Michelle saying simultaneously, "What were you doing!"
I really didn't know! I thought that's what people did. I
had no idea I was supposed to be scared. I thought big girls did
this kind of thing.
And I told them so, "I thought I suppose to do that."
I suppose I should have posed that as a question and not a statement
to them.
Needless to say I was told that I wasn't. I was informed to do
that I needed to learn to swim. When I think on this now three
years before that incident I was fearful of water, and wouldn't go in
without my father to hold me. I remember what I thought when I
was six that I wasn't a three year old baby who needs her daddy to
hold her in the water anymore. Well I didn't but I still wasn't
ready for the deep end of the pool. I didn't learn to swim until
I was nine years old. I was actually very good at it; once I
learned how to swim. But it wasn't until I was older and wiser
that I realized I needed to know this function for the water.
This was the way I approached my academic career. I jumped into
it thinking this was right for me. That if I did what all young
adults do, graduate from high school and leap off into the next phase
of life. You know, college, and preparation for
the rest of their fabulous lives. That's what I was told I was
to do. But, at the time it felt wrong to me. As though I should
be doing something else.
I
went to college like I was told, but felt like I didn't belong there.
Not that I was against college, it just wasn't what I wanted. I
wanted to be bumming around somewhere. Meeting people,
socializing, laughing, and working.
College
was all those things for more and me. But there was one thing
that
wasn't so easy for me classes. I was never very good at school,
not in comparison with my older sister and younger brother. They
were brains; they made honor roll every year in school. And I got good
attendance. They were the ones the teachers bragged on and I was
the one they said talked too much. I didn't start to feel
accepted by my teachers until I was in high school. Then I
was the wise kid, the kid who looked at life with the view most adults
had. That was my gift. It took me a long time to accept it.
With that tool I started writing poetry, it was really bad at first
but I keep plugging away and by the time I was a first year freshmen
in college it wasn't half bad. I didn't tell you this part of my
life for pity, just understanding.
When I was in college I studied all the time. But I wasn't very
focused. I always had things going through my mind, story ideas
and life issues. Many times I would read, and re-read materials
for a test, and still would fail the test. I understood the
basics, but not much more. I was tested for test anxiety.
But that wasn't the problem. I just didn't know the problem.
I was completely overwhelmed. I was trying my best to do what I
was told to do. But it wasn't making me happy, I was miserable
when it came to my classes. I was very popular on campus. I knew
a lot of people, and they cared for me. They would try to help
me figure out what I needed to understand and remember the material.
But I felt like my brain was coming up on automatic shut down.
Whether I wanted it to or not. I could remember useless
information, well not that useless. Like who were the NBA champs
that year. Or who had the best rap video on MTV. But the
rest was irrelevant. My brain wouldn't allow much more in than
that.
I
mean I didn't make a conscious decision to flunk out of school.
I don't know anyone who would. It just crept up on me.
On my final college report in December 1994 it said academic
dismissal. I was both embarrassed and relieved. I would
miss my friends, the dorms, and freedom. I knew I would never
know freedom like that again. But other than that I couldn't say
I'd miss much else.
I
was back in Detroit. Working and trying to do what I was told to
do again, and that was get back in school. You know the
sentiment, if the horse throws you pick yourself up and dust yourself
off and start all over again.
Well it
wasn't that easy. I never had the guts to tell my parents I
wanted to just find my own way. I had to show them. I
wasn't ready; I didn't want to be pushed. I was
embarrassed by the fact that I flunked out of college. How does one
answer that question? Especially after people tell you how
intelligent they think you are. Often I would get from my new
co-workers, "Hey, Sheila did you go to college?" My response
was, "Yes, but I didn't finish." I would try to say
this
statement as cavalierly as I could hoping I wouldn't have to explain
further. But they still would continue to question, "Why didn't
you finish?" Then I would tell them I ran out of money.
That was my answer the first year and a half I was out of school.
It made no sense to lie to these people. Who were they that they
were so important that I would create this lie so they wouldn't make
jokes or laugh at my expense? That was the question I started
asking myself.
I
soon realized it wasn't them it was me. I didn't want anyone to
know I had failed. I soon realized if people found humor in
other people's lives those were their shortcomings and their parents'
not mine. I started telling the truth soon after this
realization. No one poked fun, no one laughed. They just
found it hard to believe I was wasting my time at the jobs I had.
Many of my co-workers would often say, "You're too smart to be
here. Stop wasting your time and finish school." That's
when I began to really focus on my writing. After college and
after I stopped lying. And my writing was and is getting better.
But there are so many things I want to accomplish. And
continuing my education is one of them. Becoming a better writer
is another. I have been very lucky in my life. I have been
blessed to have good people pass through. And these good people
have made me understand that what I want is at my fingertips. I
just have to jump in again. But this time I'll be more prepared.
I can float, tread, and swim in the waters now. And am pretty
confident there are no undercurrents to stop me.
Sheila B. Goram, contact: Parker074@aol.com
Copyright 2000 Sheila B. Goram
Reviews and comments requested
Posted 10/24/2000
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