Fiction By Sophie Aegan 

He looked at me in the eyes, those bright blue eyes that everyone had loved so much, still shining in the torrential rain around us. His hair was not the perfect work of art it had once been, but more natural, the gel softened by the moisture in the air.

“Choose one.” he said, slowly clutching my hand, which fit awkwardly inside his large grasp. I couldn’t help wanting to slip my arms around his waist and give in. Just give in to the good looks, the charm, and the popularity of this fledgling rock star. But as I looked into his eyes a little longer, and we paused awkwardly (somewhat similar to that deadly silent pause before a first kiss) my cheeks flushed a little and my throat seemed to close a little bit. I coughed and stepped backward looking at him, and his semi-shocked expression.

For once, not everything was going according to his plan.

“I’ll- I’ll talk to you tonight.” I said, stumbling over the 6 syllables. He didn’t respond. “I need to think.” I mumbled to the ground, my heart thumping impatiently.

“You know- I can’t wait for ever Lillian.” he said throwing his arms up above him in a not too uncommon way.

“I know that.” I said my eyes looking up at him. He promised much, money, looks and a really sweet heart. He tried his best, and was wonderful for doing that, but there was still that pause- that nagging evil little pause when we were too close. And that pause could destroy me. He turned away and I let out a sigh, feeling worse then I had in a long time. It was not just sadness…a person is never really just “sad” I was a mixture of all the bad feelings I could think of. I was jealous that he wasn’t mine, but I was nervous that he could be. I was angry that he had put me here, and angry that I had put myself in this situation, but most of all I was worried. Worried that I was going to make a wrong decision (either way I would end up breaking a heart) but I hoped I would choose the right heart to break.

I coughed again and lay down on my back on a wet, soggy bench. It was not angst I felt at this time, I couldn’t write a song about it. This was just a choice that had to be made, and I went very analytically about it. -At first.

One option provided me with Damien, the “One day I’ll make it” guy with the electric guitar, blue eyes and wonderful following of groupies. The guy that was sensitive on the outside, and didn’t care if people knew if he cried. He was an artist- he could get away with that. We had met through my best friend- his younger brother, Ray. Jealousy had risen between them, and escalated to the point that they hated each other over me. It was the worst position to be in, yet somehow after months of tender nursing… Our relationships had grown strong again and everything was alright.

I stood up and started walking- well not really walking- but more meandering through the rain, finding my way nowhere. My thoughts trailed back to my choice. Although Damien was four years older than I, he had played with my band for a while, and taken a strong liking to me. He had chosen me over a sea of models, and his other groupies. He had chosen me because he liked my sense of humor and thought I was talented. He made me feel good and honored and proud. He treated me like a Queen, and I loved him for it, for all the care and concern he put into it, but …. There was a” but…” and that’s all I could decide.

I meandered onward when suddenly I heard a soft voice that I cringed at.

“Lillian?” It asked softly.

“What are you doing here?” I asked angrily into the dark, directing my voice in the area of the one I had heard before.

“Well… It is my house.” It said, and out off the brick pathway stepped the one person I didn’t want to see right now. “Normally I’m allowed to be here… but if you want me to leave…” He stopped with a smirk. He was tall and thin with a heavy Pakistani accent. He had super thin wire rimmed glasses and the darkest and mysterious eyes I’d ever seen. They seemed to glow within themselves, holding some genius I couldn’t see.

“No- no I was just thinking-” I stopped and looked up at him, but as I quickly lost my breath, I turned away.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes. Just-- “he touched my shoulder and my emotions just about exploded. “Ah…” I stopped and turned away. “I don’t know- I just want to be alone to think right now, William.”

“Oh, okay…” He paused and walked back toward his magnificent courtyard. He turned back as he neared the gate. “This isn’t about today, is it?” He asked.

“Of course it’s about today William!” I shouted, frustrated with him, and his niceties.

“I’m sorry if I caused you that much trouble.” he said quietly, his eyes and head facing the ground. He turned around quickly and clicked the gate behind him. I could hear his shiny suit shoes clicking up the brick quickly as if he was running away from this terrible situation.

Biting my lip I wandered onward, thinking about William. I had seen him for the first time at a piano concert in Carnegie hall. I had met many boys there- seeing the same concerts as me- but never the boy giving the concert. He was only 16 then, and after meeting him backstage, shaking his hand, we hit it off immediately. And he became my best friend. He would take me up into his room and play me his cello (his “secret” talent as he called it.) I told him everything and he told me everything- well almost everything. Through all his hit albums, his concert tours and all the endless performances I sat through he never told me his true feelings for me. Even though I ranted on about Damien, and the love triangle with Damien and Ray, and how much I loved both of them, he stood silent. He nodded and smiled and offered support and advice, but he never told me- until today.

It was really an accident that I found out. And maybe everything would have worked out better if it weren’t for this revelation. I would be with Damien, we would move to LA and all would be good. We could live the good life in the sun while he became a rock star, and I could start my acting career. It was all planned out. But this morning I happened to be in William’s room when he left for a moment. I had been talking about how much I wanted to make it in the movies, and how wonderful it would be for me and Damien to live together near the beach- and how I would miss him- William. I rolled over on my stomach and let my head hang down near the edge of the bed. I saw a binder, and with a lazy hand fished it out. It was plain and white with no title. I opened the inside and in there were pages and pages of symphonies. As I quickly glanced at the music I could hear it in my head. It was my favorite piece William had ever composed. He had played it all over the world, with hundreds of symphonies; it was insanely popular in the classical music world. I glanced through it and prepared to push it back under the bed, when I noticed the last page. It was a blurb about the piece. In William’s distinctively messy handwriting was written “This symphony tells the tale of a secret love, held by a man. It is one that is never realized, and ends in heartbreak when the woman marries another.”

I dropped the book.

William came in at that exact second, and he saw the book on the floor.

“Did you- did you read this?” He asked softly. I couldn’t answer. Suddenly everything made perfect sense about that symphony. It was about me. And how much William cared for me. I stopped breathing for a second because a pack of feelings hit me like a bag of bricks. William was pale, for him, and started shaking. “Oh Lillian…please… don’t…” He stopped. I looked at him and noticed how much I liked his eyes, how well we fit together, how everything he did I enjoyed. But then I thought of Damien.

“I have to think. I have to think. I never knew…”

“Damien knows.” William said quietly.

“What?” I almost screamed.

“I told him, some while back, because he asked me. I could not lie.” He looked up at me. “I was afraid this day would come… and you would have to choose- one of us…I do not want it to be like this… I just…” He trailed off and glanced out to his balcony. “I… can not tell you much more than the symphony can….” He paused and his voice wavered. “I’m sorry this happened.”

“No.” I said “This… this needed to happen….. I’ll… I’ll talk to you tonight.” I said and grabbed my purse and fled the scene.

And now I stood in a field, in the pouring rain in the middle of the night. I glared at the field surrounding me. I glared at the sky. I was so torn I just began to yell, for no reason. I yelled at everything surrounding me until I fell to my knees in the mud. Damien- he had chosen me over so many others, he treated me like a Queen. William- he understood, my best friend, extremely talented and absolutely passionate about me Damien, William, Damien, William. The names circled in my head.

“Help me.” I whispered to the mud, the sky, the rain. “Help me know what’s right…” I asked myself. And as I paused in that field, I realized that there, inside of me, lay the answer. And I saw it, clearly as day. I stood up and started running-I may have slipped a few times but I didn’t care that my knee was bleeding or that I was crying with joy. I didn’t care.

I ran and ran until I made it up to his door and I knocked.

He answered… and I smiled.